Term 1- Distance Week 4

Julie,

Well I don't want these distance posts to become repetitive lists of what I did each week.

I also wasn't going to post what is to follow, but I thought it would be a good representation of what a Duke student goes through as we are now deep into the term and finals are approaching. As a disclaimer all these thoughts were written off the cuff, they aren't edited in any way and I think they explain well the multitude of things that I have on my mind while trying to dial in and focus on each one individually. Please also don't take these thoughts overboard, they were written at a time that I was feeling overwhelmed so take them in that context. With that lead in, I give you scrambled writings.

I feel out of place. I feel like I'm on the verge of being so far behind with school that finals won't go well. I feel like I can't comprehend the material as well as I want and I'm not sure how to overcome it. I feel like I never have enough time to study yet when I do this week I couldn't focus. I feel like I look too much to the future and feel overwhelmed @ the present. I feel insufficient, unprepared, and impossibly buried by all that surrounds me. How does someone handle a job, school, church responsiblities, personal scriptures and prayer, being a father, being a husband, and trying to be helpful to a nine month pregnant wife. Why do I strive to have this baby born so we are on to the next phase of our lives yet I realize things will never be the same or any easier? Why do I feel so stressed with work and finances, always wondering what the current month will bring and whether or not our meager savings will hold out? When will I get the pay I deserve, the job I love, and the means to pay back my loans. Am I getting everything out of this MBA education and truly preparing myself for my approaching career? Will I be able to find a job in the field I love or will I have to settle for something else in order to pay the bills and "get experience?" why do things take so impossibly long to develop and why can't they be realized right now? Am I being a good parent and husband? Do I let everthing else in life get in the way? How do you successfully balance life and all it entails? Why has it been so difficult to find my groove amongst our ward and neighbors. Why can't I find a core of like minded friends to compliment the great family structure I have? This makes me wonder, am I where I want to live for the rest of my life? Do I need to expand my living horizons? Why do I struggle with consistency in prayer, scripture study, personal fitness, discipline with my diet, being mindful of others etc? I never thought my life would really shift the way it has to being so focused on myself and my life? Why do I feel like I am too busy to be helpful to others or keep others in my thoughts and during fast time? When will I learn to be prepared for tomorrow, but live for today?

Anyway, these are the thoughts that encircled my mind on a particular morning. Each could be expounded, some could be misconstrued. But the idea is that I am in a learning process right now that is testing me in more ways that just through books and facts. I've always known I wanted to be part of a program that pushed me to become better than I could by myself--it just isn't easy when you are in that situation and going through the growing pains. 
I hope this gives you a feeling of what it is like to go through the middle grinding weeks of an MBA term. In the end it will be how I respond to difficult times like this that will define me. And that is what I keep in mind.
Love you babe, thanks for your support!

Brock